Yesterday I moved out of the home we'd shared for the lion's share of our time here in California. The place where we had created so many memories, shared laughter and tears, our celebrations and our trauma, good news and bad. The home that I always craved to return to when I was at sea, the place I knew my loves waited for me, and the place that I had become comfortable...maybe too comfortable?
The move itself was ok; I packed my clothes, computer, and a couple guitars to keep me company along with whatever hygene items I could think of. Of course I forgot things I could use, because I wouldn't be me if I could just simply remember everything I would need for an extended stay away from home.
It's still hard to believe that at the beginning of November I was oblivious to anything that was happening with her, that she was having this entire conflict in herself and that I was being cut out of her life. We were having a great time at Universal Studios, laughing and carrying on as we do, but she was harboring as distain and resentment towards me within. It's true, last year was not a good year, I might have even welcomed the depression because I thought it could be my turn to simply be sad for a while. I thought I could pull myself out of it just as I had let the sadness slip into my mind, just like someone could slip into the cool waters of a pool and dry themselves once out. I was wrong, I was harboring so much more than I realized after finally listening to her wakeup call. More than once I've asked myself if I was too late to redeem myself and fight for our marriage.
And for the first time in years I actually prayed to anyone who would listen that I could pull myself together enough to deserve her.The therapist I'm seeing is very happy with my personal progress, and he holds great hope that we will be able to reconcile if she chooses to still be with me and try again.
I hold out for hope that I won't have to wake up alone for too long.
So that's what this is, another sad blog, a personal journey recording my thoughts while away from home for a while. Welcome.
The move itself was ok; I packed my clothes, computer, and a couple guitars to keep me company along with whatever hygene items I could think of. Of course I forgot things I could use, because I wouldn't be me if I could just simply remember everything I would need for an extended stay away from home.
It's still hard to believe that at the beginning of November I was oblivious to anything that was happening with her, that she was having this entire conflict in herself and that I was being cut out of her life. We were having a great time at Universal Studios, laughing and carrying on as we do, but she was harboring as distain and resentment towards me within. It's true, last year was not a good year, I might have even welcomed the depression because I thought it could be my turn to simply be sad for a while. I thought I could pull myself out of it just as I had let the sadness slip into my mind, just like someone could slip into the cool waters of a pool and dry themselves once out. I was wrong, I was harboring so much more than I realized after finally listening to her wakeup call. More than once I've asked myself if I was too late to redeem myself and fight for our marriage.
And for the first time in years I actually prayed to anyone who would listen that I could pull myself together enough to deserve her.The therapist I'm seeing is very happy with my personal progress, and he holds great hope that we will be able to reconcile if she chooses to still be with me and try again.
I hold out for hope that I won't have to wake up alone for too long.
So that's what this is, another sad blog, a personal journey recording my thoughts while away from home for a while. Welcome.
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